oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
