he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
