woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
