Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
