Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
