hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
