I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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