Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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