dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
