i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
