Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
