ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
