Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
