my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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