I smell stomach acid.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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