You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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