Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
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I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
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Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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