I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
