i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
