so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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