I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
two words: eviction party
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
