I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
