No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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