dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
