Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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