i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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