So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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