i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
