I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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