just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
