guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She's just so happy...and so naked.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
