So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
