Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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