I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
