walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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