my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We are all done wearing pants today
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
