I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
