The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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