...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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