I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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