I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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