Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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