You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
