I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
