I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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