note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
