can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
