captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
