Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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