She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
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it was like having sex with a tree stump
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
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Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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