hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
