Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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