I think my fart just growled at me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
