Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
