I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
