Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
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Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
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She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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