Can i not drive my cunt home
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Randomize
