Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
