i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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