Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
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Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You are a genius and a whore.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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