I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
